Got that song running through your head?....Good. )
Over a year ago, we moved back down to Orem. I've been struggling with this decision ever since we made it since after we moved, Ken made it known that he really didn't feel like we should have moved but he just went along with what everyone else had chosen. (As in, we had a family vote and everyone but him decided to move, so he chose to follow us, after all, he WAS outnumbered)
Then, the problems started happening. Ken lost his job that paid really well, and all of the sudden my decision to go to school, turned into a necessity. After all, we had access to school loans and grants that helped us to survive through that time.
But that in turn has made my life VERY hectic. Working PT and going to school FT while trying to manage a household of 5 kids has been difficult, to say the least. I withdrew inward as a survival instinct. After all, how else was I to get it all done, if I focused my efforts elsewhere. I became a bad neighbor, and thought why bother getting to know them, if I'm in the wrong place I should be anyways.
My marriage was brought down to it's knees, this after 15 years of trials that we made it through before. This time was different, I didn't know what was on the other side of that 15 year mark (our anniversary is next month). It's only just now that I have hope for those next 15 years ahead of us, may we live long and prosper!
Maybe the worst, and most personal thing that has happened, is my spiritual crisis, if you would call it that. Among all of this, all those doubts and problems I had with "the church" in the past, built up and before I knew it, my temple recommend had expired and I had no clue since I hadn't been in months anyways. The worst part about this is that I don't feel like I can go in and renew it right now, because I can't honestly answer that I believe completely in the Restoration of the Church as the one and only "TRUE" church. I think and feel and know that there are many pathways to God, and it's hard for me to swallow that ours would be the only way, or the "right" way when God cares about ALL of his people in this world, not just his "chosen". I'm in limbo with this one right now, and while I asked to be released from my Primary calling, I am making an effort to take this time to go to the rest of Church that I have been missing while I was in Primary. Maybe this time for self reflection will be a good thing as I didn't have the time to even focus on my spritual side when Church was only about Primary for me.
Perhaps because it's summer, is the reason that I am finally getting around to posting all of this. Before when the kids were in school, I felt the urge to share some of my thoughts on here, but then I never found the time between all the carpooling and craziness our life has been this year. Well, "my" life that is.
I realized how selfish I have been this last year; when leaving church last week, there were 2 new families I hadn't met before, and instead of stopping to say Hi and introducing myself (which I normally would've done in my "past" life) I decided, "Ehh, I have my own problems today, I know they probably need someone to say Hi, but not me please". Then I realized I've been doing the same thing ALL year long. Ignoring the promptings to stop and see someone, invite someone over to my house (which is a whole other issue. While I was working and going to school, I couldn't help but feel resentful to my family if they didn't help clean the house since MY time was so limited. I have since let go of that resentment) or even the simple things like driving past someone on the street and thinking they might want a ride, but just keeping on driving.
So....yesterday, I stopped and offered someone a ride. (even though she was alright, she had already called someone who was on their way to get her) Today, I finally talked to the person I'm supposed to be visiting teaching and will call her later to schedule a time to come see her. It's little baby steps,but I am FINALLY starting to focus outward to others instead of inward to myself and all of my own problems. It's so overwhelming dealing with it all alone, and helping and serving others is the key to not feeling like you're all alone in your troubles, EVERYBODY has them.
That's why I am finally posting this. It feels good to get this off of my shouders. No more pretending everything is alright, when it really hasn't been. Don't we all do that though! So, I don't know, if you have something you are trying to deal with alone, please don't anymore. Find someone to help you, reach out and call or email someone, the first person that comes into your head. Don't keep it inside for months and months like I have done. I just didn't know what to do with it all. But now, I've finally realized there is nothing I CAN do. I can't quit work (my kids would REBEL to lose their flight benefits and so would I) I can't quit school (I need this not only for the immediate financial benefits, but for the long term goals in life) I can't quit being a mother no matter how hard it is, and I can't quit being a wife just because my life is too overwhelming. Make it WORK!
So, here's to the next 15 years, may they be strikingly different than the last 15 years if not in actuality at least in ATTITUDE!
And now I am going to hit SUBMIT before I have second thoughts, then go have a nice long Sunday nap, how blessed we are INDEED! (Homework, Housework, all of that will still be there when I get up, and that's OK.) As for our decision to move here, that doesn't matter if it was right or wrong. I'm sure GOD has a backup PLAN B for those times when we make the wrong decisions. Yes, maybe PLAN A would have been better, but maybe it wouldn't have, who knows. No matter what path we take, we all end up in the same place, RIGHT?
9 comments:
About freakin' time you posted! I kept looking for "Applegate" in my Google Reader and nada! HOORAY for today!
I don't think there's such thing as God having a Plan B because he accepts that all that happens with all His children's personalities is just part of "the plan." You just plan for detours, variables, and flexibility.
So anyway, I'll make this one part simple.
Q: How do you know which church is true?
A: It's the one Adhis is in.
Duh.
In seriousness, I think there are lots of paths to the truth. I think when we term the LDS Church as the true church, it means that it is the one with the fullness of the priesthood keys. Remember the 12 tribes? The Levites were called to the highest spiritual service. Only they were given the authority to work in the Tabernacle and care for the Ark of the Covenant. This didn't automatically translate the other tribes as useless or lost to God.
Every 'tribe' has its purpose. We don't have to understand the whole system, just what role the God you desire to serve honors you with. Where has God called you to?
Clarice, you are such a fabulous person! The best wife, mother, student, church member, NEIGHBOR!, I know! Everybody goes through their ups and downs in life. I know you will get back on track because that is the type of person you are. Also, staying in your previous house couldn't have been the right decision because we aren't there anymore. Ha Ha. In all seriousness, my heart is aching for you and the trials you are dealing with. I know that you know what you need to do and you will get to the point where you need to be. ((((HUGS))) We love and miss you guys every day!
I am so glad you posted this! I've been feeling the same way for months -overwhelmed, stressed, and just plain old tired! So, like you, I turned inward instead of outward. When I saw someone in need I thought 'someone else can do it, I don't have the physical or emotional energy to deal with it right now'. But I'm forgetting that EVERYONE has problems, not just me. It could be a new baby or a lost job, or marital problems, or a million other things. Thanks for reminding me to stop focusing so much on my own problems and get out there and serve!
See Clarice - we shoulda moved to Nephi THEN on to Vegas and taken along a copy of the Book of Adhis with us ! ;) :P
HA HA Ken! Yeah, Sarah, I think you can relate. How can a decision be "right" if everything wrong happens after we make it. But maybe it's just something we needed to experience for our test in this life, and we'll come out stronger and better for it. I'm counting on that....
We get busy and distracted and it takes away our ability to feel the spirit. Slow down if you can and make time to meditate and ponder.
I like your post. Few people can be so honest. I think you make good choices regardless of what you feel about moving. It is a very demanding situation you are in and what you accomplish is impressive enough. There are multiple options with different consequences as far as jobs and locations and timing and children (plan A,B,C.,Y..). I feel Heavenly father leave us free to experience with them and will not interfere unless real danger is awaiting. The only right/ wrong choices are regarding our personal adherence to standards set by Heavenly Father. And that's a everlasting process that I haven't figured out yet. So I stop my preaching. But best hopes and courage for now!
I just re-read this post and something stuck out to me. It's not the main topic of your post so don't think that I've got an answer!
Everyone is, of course, entitled to run their family in the way that works for them. I'm just sharing my opinion. (Who doesn't have one?)
I noticed that Ken had been "outvoted" in regards to moving. I don't think it's fair to count the kids' votes in a decision that the parents disagree on because children most often do not have enough foresight.
I am Dave's counselor. When he needs advice or input or to bounce ideas, he comes to me. Sometimes, we're immediately on the same page. Sometimes, we disagree.
When we disagree, one of two things happens:
1) We ponder/research/talk more and end up agreeing.
2) We never agree but one of us receives a strong impression that what he/she is saying is the best course for the family.
Sometimes, I believe something very strongly, enough to FIGHT for it, but when David says he honestly feels a spiritual impression that we're to go a different direction than I want, I bow out of the debate (which is a BIG HUGE feat for me, being a control freak). After all, if I received an impression or revelation that did not seem rational, I'd want Dave to trust me as well. (He has.)
So, anyway, I suppose my overall point is to make big decisions between you and husband, honoring your wisdom in motherhood and his role in priesthood. The children will learn how to make good decisions based on Mom and Dad's decisions as partners, not so much by being cast into the voting poll prematurely.
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It's okay to give yourself a break once in a while. You do not have to be Super Mom, Super Wife, and Super Spiritual all the time. Take a mental time out and realize that if you breathe, then no matter what choices you make, you will be all right. Miss ya.
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