Got that song running through your head?....Good. )
Over a year ago, we moved back down to Orem. I've been struggling with this decision ever since we made it since after we moved, Ken made it known that he really didn't feel like we should have moved but he just went along with what everyone else had chosen. (As in, we had a family vote and everyone but him decided to move, so he chose to follow us, after all, he WAS outnumbered)
Then, the problems started happening. Ken lost his job that paid really well, and all of the sudden my decision to go to school, turned into a necessity. After all, we had access to school loans and grants that helped us to survive through that time.
But that in turn has made my life VERY hectic. Working PT and going to school FT while trying to manage a household of 5 kids has been difficult, to say the least. I withdrew inward as a survival instinct. After all, how else was I to get it all done, if I focused my efforts elsewhere. I became a bad neighbor, and thought why bother getting to know them, if I'm in the wrong place I should be anyways.
My marriage was brought down to it's knees, this after 15 years of trials that we made it through before. This time was different, I didn't know what was on the other side of that 15 year mark (our anniversary is next month). It's only just now that I have hope for those next 15 years ahead of us, may we live long and prosper!
Maybe the worst, and most personal thing that has happened, is my spiritual crisis, if you would call it that. Among all of this, all those doubts and problems I had with "the church" in the past, built up and before I knew it, my temple recommend had expired and I had no clue since I hadn't been in months anyways. The worst part about this is that I don't feel like I can go in and renew it right now, because I can't honestly answer that I believe completely in the Restoration of the Church as the one and only "TRUE" church. I think and feel and know that there are many pathways to God, and it's hard for me to swallow that ours would be the only way, or the "right" way when God cares about ALL of his people in this world, not just his "chosen". I'm in limbo with this one right now, and while I asked to be released from my Primary calling, I am making an effort to take this time to go to the rest of Church that I have been missing while I was in Primary. Maybe this time for self reflection will be a good thing as I didn't have the time to even focus on my spritual side when Church was only about Primary for me.
Perhaps because it's summer, is the reason that I am finally getting around to posting all of this. Before when the kids were in school, I felt the urge to share some of my thoughts on here, but then I never found the time between all the carpooling and craziness our life has been this year. Well, "my" life that is.
I realized how selfish I have been this last year; when leaving church last week, there were 2 new families I hadn't met before, and instead of stopping to say Hi and introducing myself (which I normally would've done in my "past" life) I decided, "Ehh, I have my own problems today, I know they probably need someone to say Hi, but not me please". Then I realized I've been doing the same thing ALL year long. Ignoring the promptings to stop and see someone, invite someone over to my house (which is a whole other issue. While I was working and going to school, I couldn't help but feel resentful to my family if they didn't help clean the house since MY time was so limited. I have since let go of that resentment) or even the simple things like driving past someone on the street and thinking they might want a ride, but just keeping on driving.
So....yesterday, I stopped and offered someone a ride. (even though she was alright, she had already called someone who was on their way to get her) Today, I finally talked to the person I'm supposed to be visiting teaching and will call her later to schedule a time to come see her. It's little baby steps,but I am FINALLY starting to focus outward to others instead of inward to myself and all of my own problems. It's so overwhelming dealing with it all alone, and helping and serving others is the key to not feeling like you're all alone in your troubles, EVERYBODY has them.
That's why I am finally posting this. It feels good to get this off of my shouders. No more pretending everything is alright, when it really hasn't been. Don't we all do that though! So, I don't know, if you have something you are trying to deal with alone, please don't anymore. Find someone to help you, reach out and call or email someone, the first person that comes into your head. Don't keep it inside for months and months like I have done. I just didn't know what to do with it all. But now, I've finally realized there is nothing I CAN do. I can't quit work (my kids would REBEL to lose their flight benefits and so would I) I can't quit school (I need this not only for the immediate financial benefits, but for the long term goals in life) I can't quit being a mother no matter how hard it is, and I can't quit being a wife just because my life is too overwhelming. Make it WORK!
So, here's to the next 15 years, may they be strikingly different than the last 15 years if not in actuality at least in ATTITUDE!
And now I am going to hit SUBMIT before I have second thoughts, then go have a nice long Sunday nap, how blessed we are INDEED! (Homework, Housework, all of that will still be there when I get up, and that's OK.) As for our decision to move here, that doesn't matter if it was right or wrong. I'm sure GOD has a backup PLAN B for those times when we make the wrong decisions. Yes, maybe PLAN A would have been better, but maybe it wouldn't have, who knows. No matter what path we take, we all end up in the same place, RIGHT?
