The "New" Deal

On other news, get ready for this!

About a month ago, I sort of had an epiphany. Anyone that knows the Applegates, knows that they LOVE children. And anyone that's heard Ken and I talk, have heard how he wants a dozen kids, yes, the movie "Cheaper by the Dozen".... he thinks... was hilarious. I thought it was quite the nightmare. After that breakfast scene, ugh, if I were the mother, I'd want to crawl back in bed for the rest of the day after that.

Well, I've always said, this 5th child was my LAST child. That's it, done, finished. I remember sitting inside Fazoli's (remember that "instant" fast food Italian place, I sort of miss it now) and there was this family. They must have been of Middle Eastern descent, because I remember looking at them and thinking "What a beautiful family." The kids were all teenage and above, and guess what, they had 3 beautiful girls and 2 handsome boys. And I just thought...that's US....10...15 years from now. Yes, that's us. (Did I mention the mother looked beautiful in that I take care of myself kind of way some women just have...)

Well, the other day it just sort of popped into my head, this "NEW Deal". I take care of my body and LOSE ALL THE WEIGHT I have gained from being a mother...yes, back to my wedding dress size. AND.........then......... I'll have another CHILD. Specifically one of these....



Yes, that's a little Tahitian girl!

which I have had a strong feeling is lacking ever since they announced that Zane was a boy. I thought I'd only have one boy and the rest girls for some reason. I do realize even if I DO accomplish this monumental task, and it WILL take a couple of years, LOTS of weight to lose, we could end up with something more like this....



and that's o.k. Because for me the end goal is not the child, but the NEW me. It'd take a complete lifestyle change and turn around to accomplish this. And I would then be having a baby when my girls are all teenagers (another thing I said I would NEVER do), but they are WAY too excited about this. We started off really well the first two weeks, the children being my "GO EXERCISE AND DONATE YOUR WEIGHT TO THE BABY" Nazi's. Then, I decided what I really want is a treadmill, and I've slacked BIG time in going out and walking. We watched a movie last night and I told the family, "HEY, if we had a treadmill I could've just walked through this whole movie" Yeah, if I had a treadmill...lol...Anyone want to donate their unused treadmill to the Applegates having another baby cause...or let's call it, Clarice getting in control of her life cause...that sounds better to me!

I know, I know, I'm crazy! But this just feels right to me...It gives me a goal to change the path I am on right now, and a reward for my family and myself at the end. The kids keep saying why not just go straight to the reward. They don't realize, it's the journey of change I am after....a new child is just the added benefit once I get control of my life.

(PS. The old deal was Ken becomes a millionaire and I have 3 more children, so this one's better, right? LOL! BUT I'll still take the millionaire one...God, are you listening? I'll do it! I'll do it! Bring it on!)

Secrets

So, last Saturday I had the chance to go to a Studio night workshop with this artist:

Leslie Graff (click on her name to go to her website)

She does some of my favorite artwork, like this one titled, "Compassion"



It's saved as my computer background right now, I love it THAT much. What I really wanted to do that night was a painting similar to hers. But when I got there, she had all these magazines out and ready for us to do a collage art piece if we wanted to.

I picked up a magazine and immediately turned to these 2 pages of bright, gorgeous flowers. I hated to rip them out, but ripping I did. I had never added tissue paper to an art piece, and I love how it blends right in with the paint. This is what I came home with that night.



If I could really paint, what I would've painted that night to express my mood, would have been a picture of me, crouched in the corner, and the world falling down on me. That's how I've felt lately. But instead, I have this representational collage. That shell chandelier on the bottom right....that's me. Then all these different compartments of my life, are crowding me in. Even if they are beautiful or not, they all represent a part of my life, a door that I don't open to others and let them in to see how I feel.

In another sense, each of those doors and windows can be secrets that all of YOU keep within as well. We ALL keep secrets from each other, to keep from getting hurt, to keep from facing the truth, for whatever reason. Well, my last blog post was about letting it all out. I don't feel like there's much more for me to say. I am grateful to those of you that have read it and understand me, and wish I could easily wear that blog post on my sleeve, so when others ask how I am that DON'T read my blog, I could easily show them. If they only knew. Oh well.

Say What you Need to Say....

Got that song running through your head?....Good. )

Over a year ago, we moved back down to Orem. I've been struggling with this decision ever since we made it since after we moved, Ken made it known that he really didn't feel like we should have moved but he just went along with what everyone else had chosen. (As in, we had a family vote and everyone but him decided to move, so he chose to follow us, after all, he WAS outnumbered)

Then, the problems started happening. Ken lost his job that paid really well, and all of the sudden my decision to go to school, turned into a necessity. After all, we had access to school loans and grants that helped us to survive through that time.

But that in turn has made my life VERY hectic. Working PT and going to school FT while trying to manage a household of 5 kids has been difficult, to say the least. I withdrew inward as a survival instinct. After all, how else was I to get it all done, if I focused my efforts elsewhere. I became a bad neighbor, and thought why bother getting to know them, if I'm in the wrong place I should be anyways.

My marriage was brought down to it's knees, this after 15 years of trials that we made it through before. This time was different, I didn't know what was on the other side of that 15 year mark (our anniversary is next month). It's only just now that I have hope for those next 15 years ahead of us, may we live long and prosper!

Maybe the worst, and most personal thing that has happened, is my spiritual crisis, if you would call it that. Among all of this, all those doubts and problems I had with "the church" in the past, built up and before I knew it, my temple recommend had expired and I had no clue since I hadn't been in months anyways. The worst part about this is that I don't feel like I can go in and renew it right now, because I can't honestly answer that I believe completely in the Restoration of the Church as the one and only "TRUE" church. I think and feel and know that there are many pathways to God, and it's hard for me to swallow that ours would be the only way, or the "right" way when God cares about ALL of his people in this world, not just his "chosen". I'm in limbo with this one right now, and while I asked to be released from my Primary calling, I am making an effort to take this time to go to the rest of Church that I have been missing while I was in Primary. Maybe this time for self reflection will be a good thing as I didn't have the time to even focus on my spritual side when Church was only about Primary for me.

Perhaps because it's summer, is the reason that I am finally getting around to posting all of this. Before when the kids were in school, I felt the urge to share some of my thoughts on here, but then I never found the time between all the carpooling and craziness our life has been this year. Well, "my" life that is.

I realized how selfish I have been this last year; when leaving church last week, there were 2 new families I hadn't met before, and instead of stopping to say Hi and introducing myself (which I normally would've done in my "past" life) I decided, "Ehh, I have my own problems today, I know they probably need someone to say Hi, but not me please". Then I realized I've been doing the same thing ALL year long. Ignoring the promptings to stop and see someone, invite someone over to my house (which is a whole other issue. While I was working and going to school, I couldn't help but feel resentful to my family if they didn't help clean the house since MY time was so limited. I have since let go of that resentment) or even the simple things like driving past someone on the street and thinking they might want a ride, but just keeping on driving.

So....yesterday, I stopped and offered someone a ride. (even though she was alright, she had already called someone who was on their way to get her) Today, I finally talked to the person I'm supposed to be visiting teaching and will call her later to schedule a time to come see her. It's little baby steps,but I am FINALLY starting to focus outward to others instead of inward to myself and all of my own problems. It's so overwhelming dealing with it all alone, and helping and serving others is the key to not feeling like you're all alone in your troubles, EVERYBODY has them.

That's why I am finally posting this. It feels good to get this off of my shouders. No more pretending everything is alright, when it really hasn't been. Don't we all do that though! So, I don't know, if you have something you are trying to deal with alone, please don't anymore. Find someone to help you, reach out and call or email someone, the first person that comes into your head. Don't keep it inside for months and months like I have done. I just didn't know what to do with it all. But now, I've finally realized there is nothing I CAN do. I can't quit work (my kids would REBEL to lose their flight benefits and so would I) I can't quit school (I need this not only for the immediate financial benefits, but for the long term goals in life) I can't quit being a mother no matter how hard it is, and I can't quit being a wife just because my life is too overwhelming. Make it WORK!

So, here's to the next 15 years, may they be strikingly different than the last 15 years if not in actuality at least in ATTITUDE!

And now I am going to hit SUBMIT before I have second thoughts, then go have a nice long Sunday nap, how blessed we are INDEED! (Homework, Housework, all of that will still be there when I get up, and that's OK.) As for our decision to move here, that doesn't matter if it was right or wrong. I'm sure GOD has a backup PLAN B for those times when we make the wrong decisions. Yes, maybe PLAN A would have been better, but maybe it wouldn't have, who knows. No matter what path we take, we all end up in the same place, RIGHT?

and Christmas Day!

Oh yeah, this is the last of the catch up posts! Then I can start posting normal stuff...forget Valentines and St Patricks, I don't have any pictures anyways, so all that's left is the future, YEAH!

So, we came home on the early flight Christmas morning so we could make it in time for Christmas dinner back in Utah. This has worked out great the last 2 years, might become a family tradition to hit 2 states in one day!

The kids found all of this:

Stocking stuff, lipgloss, nail polish, candy, and of course oranges!

Oh LOOK! Keilani got her coveted MP3 player!

and Vivian got one too!

Tasha got a video camera she'd been wanting, where is it now, Tasha? Kids and their toys!

Kalel opening his toys!

Zane and his toys!

Vivian got bunches of earrings and jewelry too, love her expression! She's the fashion queen!

Tasha playing with the toys already! Oh the fun of Christmas day.

Ken

and me...

My globe I carried all the way back from Cali on the airplane....found it for $15 at Ross and wasn't going to take the chance the Ross in Utah would have them....they're the perfect colors for me, although Kalel noted there is no water, ha ha!

and the mess afterwards, guess who cleaned this one up, yeah, ME! The kids had all scattered to play with their toys!

Christmas Eve......

Of course you wanted to see Christmas pictures on the first day of Spring, right!

For Christmas Eve we went to Aunt Marie's house in Concord:

Natasha

Zane (adorable, I know!)

Kalel

Uncle Mikie

and baby:

The uncles being as normal as Applegates can be:

Ahhhh. new Mommy and Daddy:

The whole gang!

The kids all in bed...we're about to head to UTAH Christmas morning!


Thanks Marie, we love staying at your home, it's like a home away from home! Even though we crash it and fill it up to capacity!